Thursday Writing - Room 5 and 6 amazing examples of writing

This week we have been looking at show not tell. 

Why show not tell? 

Showing means using clues like actions and words in your writing to tell how a character feels - this makes your writing richer and more interesting.

Telling is when you use a simple description to tell the reader how the character feels. Sometimes telling is useful, but it is not as interesting for the reader.

We then looked at an example from a year 7 student that was in a competition. Here is the example:

Paul Johnston 

Year 7 

Peachgrove Intermediate

The drawer is open; it is freed from the prison in which it was held.

It is picked up by its new, demanding master.

The master stabs down, making full use of its three vicious prongs. The prey shows no resistance. The master puts it in the cave. The catch is released causing it to travel down the cave, seemingly endless.

It is forced to follow the master’s instruction. It is told to keep doing the same, until there is none, nothing left to catch.

When the master is finished with it the master places it in the room, the room of many storms. It is thrown around forcefully until it is placed in its prison, waiting for the prison to be opened.

He is describing…

A man opens a drawer, takes out a fork and starts his meal.

Stabbing his food, putting it into his mouth and eating the food.

He finishes his meal and puts the fork in the dishwasher.

Our task was to use these inspiration sentences to make our own show not tell writing.

Inspiration sentences:

A child opens a pencil case, takes out a pencil and starts to write.

Braking the lead, they put the pencil in a sharpener and start to turn the pencil.

They finish sharpening and start to write again.

Here are some amazing examples from students in Room 5 and 6.

Ania

A pupil opens a world of my kin, takes my thin body out and lead trails across the paper.

It breaks my grey purpose and suddenly I'm flying into a barrel of sharpness.

The barrel moves in a cycle and I can feel my tip being grinded.

It takes my slightly shorter body out and I can feel my lead trailing again.

Malinn

He lifted the lid and finally let me breathe fresh air. He plucked me from my prison. I felt so special! Moments later, my face was smooshed up against some weird lined surface. I didn't feel that special anymore.

I all of a sudden felt excruciating pain.

I had cracked. The boy lifted the lid once more. Out came the dreaded shredder. He grabbed me and shoved me into the shredder face-first. The pain was much worse than cracking. I was being skinned alive.

Henry N

Reaching deep into the cave, I saw a monster hunting for me. I try to move but I realised I have no limbs. As the monster wraps his furry hands around me and drags me out of the cave into the meat grinder. The horrific sounds of screeching and grinding means that I am dead.

Andy

A bright light shined. A giant hand reached out to get me. He starts drawing using my head, it hurts. I started to scream but it seemed no one heard it. I carefully opened my eyes, then I got shocked in terror. It was the master.

Ryan G

My master of old slowly unzips my (and many of my friends) cloth imprisonment, selects me and draws me out. I groaned inwardly, another long spell of hard work. I am long and slender with a flat part on the bottom. My top is sometimes rounded and otherwise pointy. Today it was rounded.

Carefully, but quickly he scrapes me top over the delicate white substance he always uses. I winced as pain coursed through my body. It felt like sandpaper rubbing against my body.

Suddenly my top broke off. I felt the urge to scream.

Alex R

I slipped open the cage door and reached into the dark void. My cold grasp pulled out a staff of lead and wood. I pressed it onto a cushion of white inking it like a tattoo artist.

Amy

Zzzzp! The light peered in. Bright and warm. Suddenly a giant hand reached into my compacted room, poking and pinching my family. The hand came out capturing me. I was attached to her now. She shoved me down way too hard and I came up with a broken neck. Pain was overwhelming my body making me stiff and still. The giant walked over to a mouth, full with razing teeth. I got thrown in. Today the mouth was very murky. I started rotating around and around while the teeth were clenching onto my head. But I knew I would receive a new neck. I came out of the revolting mouth, full with shavings. But I was happy, happy to write again.

Shavonne

The night was dark and sleepless but I still made sure I was far away from the beast who grinds us all. I still can't believe the Giant left me here with it. I lie down waiting for the light to shine in. SCREECH. It's time, I am filled with fear and excitement then, reality hits me. I'm not going to get chosen. The great chooser swoops down in front of us. I start to shiver suddenly get picked up, my lead gets pressed up against a piece of paper. The giant writes a couple of words then she presses down too hard, a black stain filled the page.

Alfie

The child tears open his pencil case. His victims cower at the bottom of the pencil case. The boy carefully picks out his victim, and within seconds the poor pencil is plucked from the cluster. Soon the pencils lead is broken. Useless. The pencil hopes it's done, but the pencil's torture has only just begun.

Kate H

I'm trapped in here again beside ‘Pipsquek’, they said he was huge but they used him a lot and after that they sharpened him. Now he is tiny and that is how he got his name. Then the roof of this prison opens and light spills in, then something blocks out the light. It grabs me then it puts my head to something white and rubs me over it. Then there is a loud crack and the top of my head breaks off. A pink face looks down on me and he reaches into the prison and pulls me out. It's sharp and he puts my entire head in him and turns me. Oh it hurts, it's sharp and it's shaving my face off. Then he pulls me out and puts me back in the prison and continues to drag my head along the white.

Tesca

Opening the mouth of my cosy tool home, letting bright light seep through me, fingers encased the perfect tool for their job, me? Why me again? Being pressed into the page i formed perfect shapes. As i started to flow more and more confidently a toothache came on. Blunted like a well used knife, my tooth was. Until those fingers gracefully dropped me side on! i thought i was going to get a rest but then light, yet again, was let in to my untidy jumble of a home. Then those slave whipping fingers grabbed a fully rested metal tool and unkindly shoved me inside it. I was filled like a balloon with relief when all they did was shed off my sweaty skin and made me dizzy until suddenly, i had a perfectly sharp, gnashing, ready-to-go tooth again. Angry or not from what he thought was an overworking mr strong was thrown carelessly back on his comfy bed. After our home had been encased in a blanket of familiar darkness i was once again forcefully made to perform my wondrous magic.

Freya

It’s strange to see the light again. It’s been too long; but here I am.

God comes in many forms; that’s what they say, in this foreign world. His form today is a little girl with two plaits and a navy skirt. She has a sure touch; perhaps His grace and power shall carry through onto paper. A vessel for creativity; that’s what they said in the orphanage. Maybe I could live up to His great expectations.

She begins to write with me, and I’m so glad that I’ve been chosen, that I deserve to paint the words of God upon His paper. I always am. I don’t deserve it, I know I don’t. But every time His fingers reach for me, I can’t help but feel special, a step closer to the angels than my brothers and sisters.

She tells the story of a time long past, of a supermarket trip with a man who she calls father. I can feel the magic of her words, tripping through white blank space and enlightening all those who listen.

But, like the dark after the sunset, not all bright and beautiful things last.

I can hear a crack that shakes the earth, a snap that seems to bring the coming of a storm. Dimly, I was aware that it was from my bones. And I’m gone; gone down a rabbit hole of pain, falling down an abyss of barbed wire.

The little girl groans angrily and I can’t help but think that she’s being let off lightly. I can’t help but feel that she complains with no cause. Of course, I feel guilty for slandering the Lord… but all thoughts are lost in a tempest of agony.

She picks up my broken form and I’m sure that this is the end, that I’m being borne away in His hands. But no! Not so. Even though that would be preferable.

The steel jaws of the contraption close around me and it’s all I can do not to cry out. But what comes next is too cruel, a brutal twist of fate in God’s masterplan.

They flay me, rob me of my skin and my strength. My world turns red and I’m sobbing, sobbing at this cruelty. My bones no longer fight against my skin, bared for the world to see.

And then it’s over.

And the little girl, the one I believed in, worshipped even, takes me in her little hand and begins to write, as if nothing happens. This is my duty; this is my trial.